Monday, January 18, 2016

Feeling Stuck

I have not been able to write...about anything it seems. My mind and creativity appear to have ventured into the "dark side". I feel stifled and uncertain. I have lost confidence in my abilities to write anything I deem meaningful and worthy of readers. I guess fear has entered my heart and creativity. "I'm in a funk", I told a friend this morning. "Well, get out of your funk", she replied. This post is my attempt to step into "the light".

I spent our first snowy morning taking photographs from our windows. I love the childlike feeling I get when we get our first "real snow". Snow is so beautiful, whether it be cast in shadow or in sunshine. "I want to do more with my photography", I declared to my husband. When my friend called, she recommended a south-coast artist whose work she thought I would find interesting. I explored her web site and that of other artists from South Coast Artists, only to feel intimidated about my seeming inadequacy by comparison. Then I explored one artist's site, who I have been introduced to this past year, and thought, "That's art?" I guess art really is in the eye of the beholder, and why shouldn't there be an eye for mine? Isn't my eye good enough? Therein lies my current dilemma. I don't feel good enough: for writing or for photography; my two great creative loves.

One thing I realized about the chrysalis surrounding my psyche right now, is that I have spent too much time in relative isolation. When I am in the house too long, my shadow self feels empowered, and wants to take over. When that happens, I find it very easy to give in. What is difficult, is pushing through that shell and bursting out in full regalia. My friend's call this morning was a "call to arms" for me. The first thing I must do is get dressed and go outside in the cold, wind and snow for a walk.
Clearing my head in nature's beauty works wonders.

The second thing I must do is to realize that right now, I am nursing my husband through a minor health crisis. This time is really not about me. I tend to make many things about me. I can't be alone in this solipsism, can I? When I realize I am doing this, I get a bit unnerved. I don't like behaving selfishly. So, consciously, I will take a baby step forward out of my pupa. Into the light of a bright and lovely snowy day. I'll even bring my camera phone.