Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Guilt and its hold

Aquinnah Lighthouse, Martha's Vineyard 
The Catholic Church did a great job screwing up my mind. Even though I intellectually realize guilt is a total waste of time and energy, it still controls me. I spent much of yesterday wrestling with whether or not I would join Summer Chorus. In the end, I opted not to join. Once I made the decision and received an email back from my friend, the music director, I felt better about it. I think more than laziness, I just didn't want any nighttime commitments this summer. I keep thinking no commitments is a bad thing. But, it is just a choice.

I felt better about myself yesterday too because I accomplished two goals: I switched out my winter and summer clothes, and cleaned both bathrooms. In addition, I made a delicious supper. Larry and I drank red wine and chatted. It was nice. I have been feeling resentful of him because sitting in front of the television with dogs on his lap as well as his computer is enough for him. I am restless. I can do this easily. I have my whole life. Most of my family does it, as do many of my friends. I just worry about becoming lazy as I get older. Being lazy is easy.

I also did not cancel my personal training session this morning. I am determined to get back the tone in my arms and reduce my "bat wings". I felt good about going. And, I did thirty minutes on my treadmill yesterday; breaking a good sweat and following it up with some stretching. I got fifteen minutes in this morning on the elliptical at the gym before my training session. I will also walk the dogs today. I mentioned my guilt to my trainer, and he said, "Don't do that." So simple; so easy. Don't do that! His telling me this, helped. It is okay to focus on a few things, like wellness and enjoyment. I like to rest and read as well. It is okay!

The music director's email said, "Your jet-setting life is cramping your singing life." I never thought about my life as being jet-setting. I laughed to myself. But, I do love to travel, and we drive regularly between our Rhode Island home and our South Carolina home. I guess these drives are also considered jet-setting. She may be right.

I have always realized that learning "acceptance" is a challenge for me. Not struggling in my life requires acceptance for me too. I have always struggled. I don't have to anymore. I feel guilty. When this nags me, I will just hear Eric say, "Don't do that!" Thanks, Eric. And, thanks Beth, for not being mad that I'm not committing to chorus. I may not go back. I just don't know. Singing brings me joy, and I love it. I may take the year and not commit to anything to see what that feels like, just as experiment. I don't know. I'm thinking about lots of things. I worry there is no passion in my life right now. At least I don't particularly feel passionate about any given thing. Maybe that's okay too.

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